behind the curtain

life has its way of telling u things, communicating with u in languages that you dont speak. and its in those days that life seems the darkest. that you feel most frustrated and all u want to do is give up, press that snooze button a lil while longer and hope that when u finally stop pressin it tht everything will be ok.

u see sometimes when things are at their hardest its Life speaking to u, telling u something that u dont want to hear. and because u dont want to hear u get frustrated, angry, depressed, because u know wat u have to do.

u have to CHANGE

but see change isnt so easy. at least not for those comfortable in their current position. we are too used to our habits. our waking up at a certain time, a going to sleep at a certain time, wat kind of food we eat, where we sleep, wat kind of things we expect in the opposite sex, etc. and whenever we go against our habits things just dont go right.

i have been struggling with this since Oct. Not working, going to sleep at 4 in the morning, waking up at 11 in the afternoon and being in front of a computer all day. well to make matters worse when i did work it was a job that shouldnt even be called a job. it was awesome. i worked from 130-730 which meant, still waking up at 11 to catch the bus by 12. sitting in front of the computer all day talking on the phone sellling cable TV. now i know i sold shit, but i have been in sales for so long its like second nature. so i would get to work at 130 get on line and chill for 6 hours then go home. then got paid every friday any where from $600-$1200 per week. shit i even made like $3500 or so from like dec 15 till the first week in jan. and i was soo excited about the money cause i knew i could afford to go back to school now. and thats all i wanted, thats all i prayed for. was a good job that would allow me to go back to school. but with my luck i spent the money, on things i would never need and could do with out. but since that money was coming so quick i wold down play everything with the idea i would get money again next week.
well to make a long story short, that place lost their license and they shut down. i had only worked from NOV. 15 till like Jan. 20th. just two whole months.
i get a call two weeks later from the boss from there like hey i got a job for u come in. so i start back up woring with them. this time selling loan mods (which was a pain since hate the mortgage industry). and i was there for a month, working the same hours, only this time i didnt get paid. A FULL MONTH AND NO PAY$$$$$.
so when they had closed that for a week and my boss asked if iw anted to sell Cable again i said sure.. but with doubts in my head because i hadnt gtten paid form them in almost two months. ... so i never showed up

i have been out of work since. i am completely broke. i had gotten some money like two days ago from my grandparents to help me out cause they knew i was broke. but then got ganked for the money by my cousin who (who is going to Cancun this week cause he got bank) said i needed to pay my half of the cable bill. i felt like crying. i was angry, but not at him, no, please dont think that. i was angry at myself

i am pissed off because i can't change, i wont change!
i know i can change, i know i can do alot in this world, that i can contribute a lot to mankind and to my family.

but right now i am not.

u know wat i hate most right now? is the stupid questions, "how are you?" & "what u been up to?" i hate those quetions cause they remind me of how much of a fuck up i have become. wat do u want me to tell u....

*my answer*


oh i am fine, im 24 yrs old, live in my grandmas attic, i have no job, dont go to school, broke, no car, and my bus pass just ran out so i have no source of transportation but my two feet. no education, and no good drug habit to blame everything on. all i have is this lil voice in my head that screams at me when i over sleep, and somehign in me that wont let me die cause i dont want those who i love hurt


thats my story right now, thats who i am today. i am sorry wat others may think but i am a fuckin loser. iam that person i swore i would never become. i am my biggest nightmare and when i think about it i cry my fuckin eyes out.

so back to the topic of this blog... CHANGE

they say the species that is unable to change is the species that eventually becomes deceased.

well let me tell u something right now...
i wont be killed by my own hand, i will rise from this, i will become stronger i will become someone who i know i am, and i am just too afraid to be...

u see sometimes life has a way of speaking to us and we dont understand.
and right now Life is telling me that if i continue living the way i am i will die. but i refuse to be a has been or someone who could have done something...


i will do something in this world...
i will become someone

and there is no better day than today